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| I hate to admit that I still love you
I hate that you moved on easily
I hate that I still cry for you
I hate that you're happy and I'm not
I hate that I still need you
I hate that you took away our amazing friendship
I hate that you know what you do to me
I hate that I haven't felt your touch in over a year
I hate that I miss you so much
I hate that things ended this way..
I hate that were not even friends anymore
I hate that I have to be mean to you to make myself feel better
I hate that I'm weak for you
I hate that my friends don't like you
I hate that we never got to be together
I hate that you never call me anymore
I hate that you haven't told me you loved me in a really long time
I hate that you forgot me
I hate that I can't move on
I hate that I'm crying over you now
I hate that I think of you all the time
I hate that I want you to be happy
I hate that I blame myself for you leaving
I hate that you're older than me
I hate that you made me scared to love again
I hate that you never loved me like I loved you
I hate that I never got to kiss you
I hate that my first time won't be with you.
I hate that you're out of my life
I hate that we can never have a normal conversation anymore
I hate that I can't hug you right now
I hate that you're so important to me
I hate that I'm nervous to talk to you
I hate that you're not close to me everyday like you used to be
I hate that I don't even get to chase you anymore
I hate that I can't tell you how much I love u
I hate that I'm the only girl who never got her happy ending
I hate that I had to lie to my friends about talking to you
I hate that I never run into you
I hate that my heart feels so alone
I hate that every song reminds me of you
I hate that you sound like a stranger
I hate that I would do anything for you
I hate that my heart is still broken
I hate that I live my life trying to prove I don't miss u
I hate that u never tell me u miss me
I hate that I'm not me anymore because you're gone
I hate that you're lying next to someone that's not me
I hate that I'm dying to feel your body against mine.
I hate that I look for you at every party I go to
I hate that I think of u during class
I hate that I still listen to our song
I hate that you're so far away
I hate that I still dress up just in case I see you
I hate that you're my everything and now that you're gone I feel nothing
I hate that I gave up on myself because of feeling alone
I hate that you made me depressed
I hate how much energy you take out of me
I hate how many nights I'm up because of you
I hate the feeling of you not loving me anymore
I hate me without you.
I hate that I'm so strong but then you weaken me
I hate how I haven't been truly happy since you've been gone.
I hate that I always feel certain you never think of me
I hate that people made up stuff about me and told you
I hate that when I kiss a boy, he's never good enough
I hate that you chose her over me
I hate that I did something stupid to try and get over you
I hate that I love you so damn much.
[I miss the sound of your voice; the loudest thing in my head.. And I ache to remember all those violent, sweet, perfect words that you said. ] | | |
| Ever have one of those days where you want to be sad, but you have nothing to be sad about... so you look for sad things in your life to make you sad. How sad is that? Pretty sad.
My point is, I was just watching "A Cinderella Story" (yes, I am absolutely pathetic and I understand that most people hate the movie.) and I realized what movies can do to someone. I found myself starring at the screen as though it was the most amazing thing I've ever seen in my life. Every girl wants their happy ending, but when happy endings are shown to you the way they are in that movie, you tend to become a little bit impatient. Where the hell is my kick ass dress and the beautiful mask. I have yet to go to a dance and have the most amazing looking guy come sweep me off my feet wearing a PRINCE CHARMING costume. COME ON! I found myself crying at the last scene because she ran into the boys locker room and told him how she truly felt about him. Hold up.... she went into the boys locker room? We get suspended for doing something like that. Everyone also started cheering for them as they kissed in the last scene, man.. if only people were that supportive at my school.
Anyway, I'm not being negative.. I just wish something like that would go down in my school, and not even necessarily to me... just as long as I get to experience some sort of amazing fairy tale-like relationship, so that they are proven to actually be real.
ahh... Cinderella, what a lucky bitch. | | |
| Sitting on my bed, looking out the window.
Okay, when the HELL is this going to stop? It has been raining non-stop since 11 o'clock this morning. Quite frankly, I am ridiculously annoyed. May 27th, and we're still using umbrellas and sweaters? Come on! Anyway, all I'm saying is that a little bit of sunshine would never hurt.
Which brings me to my next subject... "never hurt".
So, I've been dealing with trying to suppress my feelings for this boy named Tony for about a year now. I've gotten over him, and everything.. He was the first guy I actually cared for after losing Big. (My first love's nickname is Big, mainly because my best friends tell me that we'll end up like Carrie and Big from Sex&The City... We're on and off a lot.) So, the other day, I was skipping class with Tony, and we were roaming the hallways. He has a girlfriend now, and he's moved on from me, but what really shocked me is when he grabbed both my hands and refused to let me walk forward. RIGHT THERE, HE GAVE ME THE LOOK. That same damn look he's had in his eyes ever since the day I fell for him. You see, Tony's a bad ass. When I say bad, I mean... REALLY bad. Anyway, he gives me this look of love and innocence, that kind of reminds me he's a human being too. SO! he stops me in the hallways, grabs both my hands and gives me THE LOOK. I roll my eyes and say "What now, Tony?" he looks at me and says "Dee, if I... When I... Cheat on my girlfriend, it's going to be with you". HOLD IT RIGHT THERE MISTER. You have been giving me mixed feelings for about a year now, and when I FINNAAAALLLYYYY move on, you're feeding me THIS bullshit? please. I looked him straight in the eyes and said "I'm going to pretend you didn't say that." He continued by kissing me on the cheek and saying "Come over after school, okay?" Obviously I laughed as though he was making a joke. A really really really REEEEEEEEALLLLLLLY bad joke. I never went over.
Now, what I can't understand is how you can look your girlfriend in the eyes, tell her you love her... Later on that day come up to ME and tell me you want to cheat on her with me.
Can I please know what the hell has happened to boys? They used to be so cool, now it seems as though every second guy friend I have has and/or will cheat on their girlfriends. What is the point? Never understood that.
Oh, and mine and Big's third year anniversary was yesterday. Ugh, we haven't spoken in like, a month... guess it's time to let go, huh?
EXAMS
Wow, we only have three, and they're the three courses I did nothing in all year, yet still managed to pass. Which means I'm going to have to do some major cramming this weekend. Woohoo!! Guess I have to forget about the parties....
On a lighter note.
Summer's around the corner, and I will be packing my bags to leave for Europe in less than a month! Finally getting out of this city. I'm absolutely sick of it, and it's people. We really need an [upgrade]! There's not much to do in the suburbs either, it's like blaaahhh. I'm already shopping for bikinis, sun dresses and flip flops! My mother will be leaving next Thursday, which means I am free to do as I wish for a whole month. It's great because I have no worries, no stress and no exams after the 12th of June. BRING IT ON SUMMER! I'M READY FOR YOU! :) I made a list of all the bad-ass things I'll be doing while she's absent from the household... first on my list? Clubbing. not really bad-ass, but I'm still a minor, so cut me some slack. Plus! I'll have to do a lot of lying to get around that one.
Dizzy out. | | |
| He means so much to me; I just wish he knew..
Because when I'm around him?
The sky's a different blue.
When he talks to me, my knees begin to shake.
The last thing I want is another heartbreak.
If he would love me like I do..
I could tell him that I will always be true.
But when I try to talk I just don't know what to say
Because I know he doesn't feel the same way. | | |
| Why do we love the ones we're supposed to hate? It seems as if we're meant to go against what our minds tell us, and go for the heart. I find it quite annoying, because all though your heart is mostly right, the decision you make based on it, normally brings the most pain. Why must one be so caught up in their feelings; why can't we just function like robots? That would be great, only when one is broken hearted, though. Who would enjoy a world without tears of joy, and peeing in your pants from laughing too much? I believe no one. Then again, we'd all love an "Off" button when we're hurt and our hearts are bruised from the pain inflicted.
I'll never forget it, it was the first time I'd ever fallen for someone, and it was the most painful thing I have ever experienced. I stayed up too many nights to count, crying over him and contemplating whether or not I should just give him up. Here I am, two years, ten fights, three cheats later... broken hearted and angry. Funny thing is though, I'm not angry at anyone but myself. I never listened to what anyone had to say about him. I was so caught up in believing what he had to say to me, believing that he loved me and that he wanted me more than anything. He wanted me more than anything, but... the age difference? well, it didn't really work out too well. You see, he was in his last year of high school while I was in my second. He was so dreamy to me, I felt like the happiest girl alive because I felt like I had him. I got a senior boy wrapped around my junior finger; when really? it was nothing at all like that.
I had no idea though, I went on for two years believing he was so in love with me until I logged onto Facebook the night after his prom. I was sitting right next to my best friend as we clicked through all the pictures until that one picture popped up. The picture that crushed me. It had me feeling so little, so unimportant to him and most importantly, so stupid. There he was, kissing this chick he'd known for a while. What was I to him then? Someone he said sweet things to when he was bored? The worst part though, was him asking me if I'd seen the picture and if I liked it. Of course, I told him she was gorgeous and I wished all the best for both of them, yet still a part of me wanted to rip his heart into a million pieces like he'd done to mine.
I finally learned my lesson though, he was playing with my head and I knew it, I just didn't want to believe it. All girls are out there searching for their fairy tale ending. And when you want one so bad? You'll do anything to obtain it, even lie to yourself. This just goes to show me how true to myself I should be the next time a boy sweeps me off my feet. Would you look at that? I'm only fifteen and I can explain to you what love is, I won't try to though, because that will consist of a never ending blog.
*Be careful ladies, love him? okay.
love yourself? always first. | | |
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